On being wished a Happy Hanukkah:
It happened five thousand years ago! Why should I celebrate?
On me reporting that I haven’t met anyone yet:
Good. The later the better.
On my grandpa wanting to tip the waitress in silver dollars:
You don’t do that, Murray! That’s not right. You leave her one or two, maybe, but not a whole bag.
Men are idiots.
On mishearing me when I said I was doing a sketch show:
I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought you said “sex show.” Grandpa wouldn’t have liked that.
On the three things to look for in a guy:
Easygoing. Sense of humor, cause there are a lot of things in life you’re not going to laugh at. And nothing ugly.
On the importance of the HPV vaccine:
Oh, just know who you’re going out with.
On the leopard-print Oscar de la Renta bathrobe that appeared in her nursing home closet without explanation:
Why shouldn’t I have it?
On settling down versus settling:
Don’t just tell me that you’re seeing someone – I don’t need to hear that you’re seeing someone. Some of these girls… they go with guys who are idiots. Wait for somebody nice.