My Grandmother’s Thoughts…

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On being wished a Happy Hanukkah:

It happened five thousand years ago! Why should I celebrate?

On me reporting that I haven’t met anyone yet:

Good. The later the better.

On my grandpa wanting to tip the waitress in silver dollars:

You don’t do that, Murray! That’s not right. You leave her one or two, maybe, but not a whole bag.

On men:

Men are idiots.

On mishearing me when I said I was doing a sketch show:

I wasn’t going to say anything, but I thought you said “sex show.” Grandpa wouldn’t have liked that.

On the three things to look for in a guy:

Easygoing. Sense of humor, cause there are a lot of things in life you’re not going to laugh at. And nothing ugly.

On the importance of the HPV vaccine:

Oh, just know who you’re going out with.

On the leopard-print Oscar de la Renta bathrobe that appeared in her nursing home closet without explanation:

Why shouldn’t I have it?

On settling down versus settling:

Don’t just tell me that you’re seeing someone – I don’t need to hear that you’re seeing someone. Some of these girls… they go with guys who are idiots. Wait for somebody nice.