Dear Ms. Benowitz,
I am an experienced writer with a formidable background in digital media, a fervent ardor for online publishing, and a proficiency at utilizing Thesaurus.com. I am seeking an exciting editorial position that will allow me to build on my existing skills and eventually be able to stop borrowing money from my grandparents. I think the Assistant Editor position at Shape-Up magazine sounds like the perfect opportunity for someone with my skills, background, and desire to quit my current shitty job.
At present, I work for a healthy living website serving as Freelance Assistant Community Manager Coordinator, which is just a fancy way of saying “Not eligible for benefits.” For the past two years, I’ve been responsible for editing blog posts, pitching trending story ideas, spearheading social media campaigns, and re-explaining to my mother why health insurance isn’t a big deal. Ultimately, I would like to pursue a position that has room for growth. Here, the only growth I’ve seen is that of my boss’ man-boobs — presumably, a result of feeding on people’s souls. In recent months, he has been laying off employees left and right, including the only person in the office who was strong enough to replace the jug for the water cooler. Now, nobody changes it. NOBODY. I’m so thirsty.
Previously, I served as a copywriter for a rapidly growing online publication owned by my sister’s husband. Though, I assure you this was not a matter of nepotism, as my sister and I don’t really like each other all that much. There, I created daily Facebook content for both the company’s account and my own, proving my multitasking prowess. You may notice on my resume that this position was short-lived. This is because the company abruptly let me go so they could “take the position in a different direction,” and I cried – well, sobbed, actually — in my brother-in-law’s office, unable to pull myself together despite his helpless look of horror. Now, there remains a palpable discomfort when we see each other at Thanksgiving. (But you see, this never would have happened had there been any nepotism).
It would be a great pleasure to meet at a time that is convenient for you and most likely inconvenient for me. I’ll just fabricate some half-ass story about an urgent mid-day appointment to get my lady parts checked out. My boss won’t even touch that, as he’s terrified of getting accused of sexual harassment, again. I can be contacted at the phone number or e-mail address provided, though I’d prefer e-mail, as I hate talking on the phone. I appreciate your time and consideration, and if I don’t hear back from you, I will probably cancel my Shape-Up subscription out of spite.
(Most people just refer to me as G-Money — which is sort of funny because I’m broke.)